I have come to realise that the relationship I had with my last girlfriend was just so wrong and bad for me.
It doesn’t make me want her any less right now, or not want her back / need her in my life in some capacity, but it helps me to understand that it was not okay.
She was a complete user and manipulator, yet continually told me I was manipulating her.
She would one day thank me for being there for her, and the next criticise me for doing the exact same thing.
She would make me feel bad about romantic gestures by devaluing them through telling me why she was so depressed.
She would constantly be making our relationship about her illness and that’s all she would want to talk about, if she would talk. She would be disinterested in my life and my goals.
She did not try for me physically, albeit telling me on several occasions she wanted to, not once in 9months did we have any form of sex. And she would make me feel bad about asking her, again devaluing my needs and concerns and making it only about herself.
We would see eachother once or twice a week at the most and she would tell me it was too much and too often when after 3 weeks of seeing her once a week I told her I missed her.
I was constantly supporting her when she needed it most, and as soon as the tables turned and I needed help she left me, and with the issues I have and she knows, making it worse and harder for me.
The relationship was solely based on her needs and merit, when she didn’t get what she wanted she would make a big fuss and the only reason the relationship lasted so long was because for the first 5 months I didn’t dispute what she needed, as soon as I started assertively speaking my needs she left.
What I learnt most of all was to never date someone who is sick and unhappy, it only brought me down and brought feelings up that I was close to overcoming.
Now since she’s gone, I’m incredibly insecure about ever being loved, but I am happier, fitter, smarter, and better abled to juggle my multiple priorities and face the challenges of the day. I go out with friends, eating and drinking what I want. I be an idiot and have fun.
God i want someone to want me so bad. But at the end of the day, what I’ve learnt most is to not be complacent and want to wait around for someone to change. You need to find someone who you’re happy with now, because that person might change, but it will never be because of you or anyone, it will be because they want to change themselves.
So as I sweep up the aftermath of a messy and complicated break-up, I’m excited, I’m excited about my future career as a nurse, I’m excited about traveling the world, meeting new people and gaining new experiences that give me a new perspective on life, I’m excited about meeting someone new that makes me a better person and supports me, rather than bringing me down. I’m excited for life.